The last bit of road clicked into place, joining my city and the village that wanted the woolly jumpers. That last piece of territory had been a tough one: two black bears and a bandit encampment to be got rid of, and there was no way to block the red armies if they decided to come at me that way. I was just going to have to risk it.

I'd been carefully hoarding the wool clothes, to make sure I had enough, and as it was now the depths of winter my people were not happy. Patience, patience, I muttered to them as I dispatched a bod with a handcart to collect the requisite number of garments from the weavers, one eye on the block of red soldiers who for some reason had chosen this moment to leave their citadel. While handcart man was trucking around, I hastily drafted some more soldiers. The bandits had reduced my army to a tenth of its former size, and iron was starting to run scarce. If the reds took the outpost, the territory would change hands, the road would vanish, and they could simply hijack the delivery, putting me back to square one.

The red army got within sight of the unblocked pass, and stopped. Clearly this was going to be an ambush, or it would be if I hadn't been looking down from on high like a spy satellite. Handcart guy arrived back at the warehouse and immediately emerged again driving a donkey cart piled high with bags and boxes. I set a squad to guard it on its journey, and dispatched the rest of my army to engage the reds. They were outnumbered, but at least they would serve as a distraction. I could not afford to lose this consignment. As so often in this game, it all came down to one desperate throw.

I eased my conscience by telling myself I'd hold them back till the last possible moment. I was still getting used to the idea that these were real lives I was spending. Well, no, I wasn't getting used to it at all. It was just there, like a solid lump of frozen stew slowly defrosting on a plate.

The cart wobbled out of the city, surrounded by its protective phalanx, and set off up the map, through all the territories I'd fought for and won. I remembered to release the weavers' excess stock, and my townsfolk descended on the shops as if it were Christmas Eve and not a crust in the house.

The reds were gearing up to charge the cart. I sighed, and sicced my tiny army on them, meanwhile creating some more instant infantry just in case. There was no need, though: only one squad made it to the cart, and my lot vanquished them with a contemptuous laugh. (Well, I assume they did. I didn't actually hear one.) The cart went on its way, and by the time another red squad fought free it was already too far ahead.

"How's it going?"

I had been waiting for Liliana to come in this time. "I think I've done it."

"Well done." The cart vanished into the village's warehouse, and the Victory! banner came up.

"So what's up next?" I said. "What's the next new line?"

"Sssh." The village headman was giving a speech to my knight, while the citizens danced in the background. Something about something that had been lost, that would need to be found, and an old hermit I ought to visit in the mountains of the north.

"No more new lines for the moment," Liliana said. "We're consolidating what we've got. The next mission is--" She consulted her notebook. "--iiiiiis one in a series of six."

"Six?!" I hated serial missions. They always took longer, and the first one was reasonably difficult, which meant that in order to ramp up the difficulty the final one had to be utterly gut-wrenchingly fiendish.

"Six," Liliana confirmed. "Find the thing that's lost, and save the kingdom."

"I'm really not that bothered about the kingdom," I said feebly.

"Then I suggest you start being bothered," Liliana said a bit sharply. "These missions are important. If the kingdom goes down, our supplies dry up all at once."

I nodded wearily. I hadn't expected bunting and champagne and a tickertape parade, but a little more appreciation would have been nice.

*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” I wailed.

I'd seen areas like this before, in outlying parts of the game map: barren wastelands, a few dead trees, cracks in the earth oozing steam. Nothing would grow there, no animals could live. Now, for some reason known only to himself, my knight had chosen to erect his settlement smack in the middle of one of them.

“Explore,” Liliana said brightly. “There's bound to be some forest somewhere around.”

“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled.

“Want me to take over?”

“No, no no. I'll find something.” There was no point in building anything for the moment: I had some reserves of wood, iron and stone, but as soon as I put up a house the settlers would be demanding food, and that was another problem. I sent the knight to the northern borders of his rotten territory. A scraggy tiger sneered at him as he rode past. That would be yet another problem, but not by any means the biggest or most immediate.

If I couldn't find some resources, the settlers wouldn't be able to make anything, and we'd get no deliveries tonight. We had a fair amount of stock, but it was all on the shelves (I think I mentioned we don't have any warehouse space, here in the mall) and all it would take was one really good day, and gaps would start showing up.

Zoltan-hound-of-Dracula shambled in, glanced over my shoulder, and jabbed a stubby finger at the eastern edge of the territory. I looked up at him, trying to see some features inside the curtain of hair, and the finger went up to where I assume his lips were.

Zoltan-hound-of-Dracula never helped. Never. It was unheard-of. Still, this was obviously going to be the trickiest mission yet, so maybe he was breaking precedent. I nodded, and sent the knight over to the point he had indicated.

Oh good. Bandits. But also, a pathetic-looking little stand of trees, and a few depressed-looking wild boar. Wood and food, if I could get it. Much against my better judgment, I used all my tiny store of wood to build a smithy and a barracks; soldiers were usually the last thing to bother with, after the settlement was well up and running, but the knight couldn't get rid of the bandits on his own. Zoltan-hound-of-Dracula nodded and went into his office.

I managed to come up with three squads of swords, and waded in. The bandits fought valiantly, as they always do, but after a pitched battle the territory was clear. I started to order the building of an outpost, and stopped.

Dammit, not this again. No.

“What's the problem, boyo?” said Nick, as he came in to find me pounding my head on the desk.

“I need wood to get the wood,” I said.

“You can't get the wood, you know,” he Henry-Crunned at me, and we did the rest of the routine in chorus, as Goon Show fans are wont to do. It could have been worse. “That a road over there?” he said in his normal voice, pointing at the further edge of the territory.

By George, he was right. A road meant a village. I sent the remnant of my soldiers back home and spurred the knight towards the rough track, which, sure enough, led to a village, or what was left of one: many of the buildings were burnt out and abandoned, but yes, there was a woodcutter and another little copse.

“Thank you, Sir Knight!” said the grizzled old headman, and went on to offer us a shipment of wood as thanks for getting rid of the bandits. It wasn't much, but it would mean I could secure the bit with the trees, and might open the way for trade with the village as soon as I had something to trade. I tapped my fingers on the desk as the cart rumbled out of the stockade and headed towards my territory, hoping against hope that another lot of bandits wouldn't pop up and grab it. It had been known.

Not this time, though. The wood arrived safely, and I did the necessary. I could only put one woodcutter there, which meant growth would be slow, but any more and the trees wouldn't regrow. Responsible stewardship of the land was a built-in requirement.

I had to find this old hermit in the north as soon as I could, so once I could see that the woodcutter was cutting wood and the hunter was mowing down the livestock, I sent the knight back to the northern border and started exploring that way. The first thing I found was a stone quarry. Very useful. I'd be claiming that territory next.

The second thing I found was a great big chasm. I followed its edge, fighting off the odd tiger. The damn thing went all the way across the map, except for one rickety-looking rope bridge at the far eastern end. At the bottom, molten lava glowed sullenly.

Whatever that old hermit had to say, it had better be worth it.

Tags: the shop